why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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