I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
