God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
