Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
how drunk are you?
Several
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
