Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
