yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
