so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So squirting runs in the family.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
