I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
