census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize