good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
