If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
