woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
