there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
