All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
