Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
