Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
