is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
