I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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