I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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