tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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