I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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