there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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