i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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