When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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