took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
