I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
