Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
