You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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