He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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