but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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