so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
