i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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