Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
