Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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