Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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