I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
