Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
