Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
