she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
