I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
