When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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