Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
