wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
