jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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