In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
