I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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