My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
