I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
