At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
