so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
