i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
