Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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