and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
