we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize