Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
