I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
